


What Would You Do To Live?

by team_sc00t



Category: Naruto
Genre: Multi, along with that- abuse at the hands of a medical professional, but i don't want anyone to read this unsuspectingly and get upset, drug references, i'd like to add that if you have experienced death in the family maybe do not read this, it is about bad things, kabuto being an awful person, listen these are just warnings the story isn't that bad, lots of bad stuff happening, um swearing warning, yiiiikes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-02
Updated: 2017-12-04
Packaged: 2018-12-10 01:14:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11680941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/team_sc00t/pseuds/team_sc00t
Summary: Himika Akamatsu is trying to live her life without the shadow of her childhood hanging over her, but old wounds re-open and ghosts from the past won't let her go.(this is a really oc driven story. sorry lol. anyway. give it a go if ya wanna.)





	1. can't drown my demons

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer: i don't own naruto! this is written for entertainment purposes only. i do however own himika akamatsu and the non-canon uchihas that feature in this story.

The secretary is pretty.  
Her eyes are wide and this pale, minty green. Her skin is clear and glowing with health. Her lips are in a plastic smile and painted pink. In my loose pants and old band shirt, I look like living trash walking beside her as her heels click down the long white halls.  
Doors line the walls with tiny, milky windows and silver plates with numbers imprinted on them. I remember I hate this place. I remember I’m not allowed to.  
“D’you have a rule against colours or something?”  
The secretary glances out of the corner of her eyes, unimpressed.  
“It’s simply more professional like this.”  
Her tone implies I wouldn’t know about that sort of thing. I shrug and roll my shoulders and we come to an elevator.  
Her slender finger presses the button gently before floating back to her side gracefully. Everything about her is soft, delicate, and quietly feminine. I feel like it’s a cover.  
“You’re so pretty. What’s your name?”  
This brings a small colour in pale cream cheeks.  
“Why, thank you. Sakura Haruno.” She smiles at me, but her eyes are hard. Watching. Assessing. I feel like a primary school kid again. Everyone in this place watches you like this. “And you, Himika Akamatsu. You go through doctors like we go through sanitary gloves.”  
“People say I’m a handful.”  
“I think you’re trying to be.”  
The elevator doors open with a soft whoosh and we step into the hall again. Sakura stops at the door directly in front of us and smiles coldly at me.  
“Your new doctor. He eats girls like you for breakfast. Have fun.”  
She turns and heads down the corridor without even a glance back, her heels click-clicking and her perfume sharp in my nose.  
-  
I tap my toes outside the door, bored. The door remains shut. There are no waiting chairs. I stare at my blurry reflection and wait.  
My doctors so far have all been female.  
The first a bitter old lady who took too many sick days and lamented over her strange grandson. Our sessions became less like therapy and more like complaining about our lives, but it worked for us. The last I heard of her she was called into an emergency surgery and just after saving the life of a young man, her heart fucked up and she was dead in under a minute. The worst part was that at her funeral, I met her grandson and realised I’d slept with him before.  
The second was a pretty and straightforward young woman. The first thing she said to me was ‘I know your type, and you don’t faze me at all.’ And the last thing was ‘you’re vile and I honestly hope you suffer in life’. I heard she moved to the country and started a pig farm. I hope she’s happier there.  
The third was a cougar with long hair and a wandering eye. She was on her third warning for ‘inappropriate conduct regarding patients’, and another offense would mean suspension. I don’t know whether she was my doctor to punish her or to punish me, but I heard she was fired the day after someone walked in on one of our sessions and didn’t like what they saw.  
The final was a middle aged alcoholic with violent tendencies. She called me ‘kid’ and taught me a lot of life lessons, but at the end of our time together she’d still lost everyone she’d loved and my family were still in the bottom of that river. The institution deemed her unfit for counselling and sent her off to my university to be a lecturer. We run into each other in the halls sometimes. We avoid eye contact.  
-  
It has been an hour. My legs are numb. The door is still closed. I consider going back to the receptionist and asking for help. I consider knocking on the door. I consider smashing the window and jumping.  
I turn towards the elevator and the door opens behind me and a shiver crawls up my spine at the voice that comes from behind that door.  
“Akamatsu. Mind telling me where you’re going?”  
I don’t want to turn towards him, but my body moves in response and I come face to face with the last person I want to see.  
Kabuto Yakushi.  
Primary school annoyance, high school tormentor, and my sworn worst enemy. In our small town school, he and I were top of the class in every class, and paired together for every project without fault. The slimiest, smarmiest motherfucker I ever had the bad luck of meeting.  
“Wow, Kabuto! What a coincidence! I thought you gave up stalking me after I broke your wrist?”  
His ugly face twists.  
“I do seem to remember you were quite fiery. However, don’t flatter yourself. I’m merely here by accident.”  
“Gee, your poor parents. Ending up with you when they didn’t even want anyone.”  
His eyes glint coldly.  
“Very funny.” He drawls. “I’ve so missed your hilarity and wit, Akamatsu. Now step into my office, won’t you? You must have tired of standing out there.”  
I brush past him, fuming. Of all the stupid egotistic twats I could have ended up with, I get this asshole. I would’ve even preferred his creepy pervert mentor.  
“Take a seat.” He smirks, gesturing to a straight-backed, hard wooden chair. I plant myself on it, not wanting to give him any satisfaction by complaining. He sits himself royally in an orange armchair and adjusts his stupid fishbowl glasses before picking up a clipboard. I realised I completely missed an opportunity to make a joke, and mentally kick myself. If there’s one way to get on Kabuto I-Hate-Fun Yakushi’s nerves, it’s jokes. I learnt that during the long, long hours of countless science projects.  
“So, Akamatsu.” I stop walking down memory lane and instead begin the descent into hell.  
“Yes, Kabuto?”  
He grins. His teeth are perfect and white.  
“Please, call me Dr Yakushi.”  
I grit my teeth. “It’s usually the other way ‘round, you damn sicko. Whatever. Get on with it. I have a date.”  
I can practically see him perk up in interest.  
“A date? So you did stop being so frigid after all.”  
If only you knew.  
“Who’s the unlucky man?” A pause. “Or woman. I wouldn’t be surprised, considering it’s you.”  
I bare my teeth. “Why do you care? Planning to ruin my life, as usual?”  
Kabuto watches me silently, cold eyes assessing. Always watching and analysing. It’s one of the things that really pisses me off.  
“You’re a pretty useless shrink.” I spit. “Haven’t even asked how I feel.”  
“Because I don’t care.” He says bluntly, and begins flipping through notes on his clipboard. I can see I’ve made him jealous, but rather than making me gloat, it just makes me feel sick. After all the years away, this bastard still rubs me up the wrong way. I narrow my eyes as he smirks cruelly at something he’s found in the files. His empty eyes flick up to my face, resting on my mouth a second before meeting my eyes, and his face twists into a mockery of a sympathising smile.  
“Himika. Pray, tell me, how is your family?”  
_  
“Please tell me you punched the absolute shit outta him for that.”  
“I couldn’t, I was crying too much and I couldn’t see his stupid face. I hate him, I hate him… I might be late. Traffic.”  
“Yeah. See ya when ya get here.”  
I drop my phone in the seat next to me and notice a familiar car pull up beside me at the traffic lights. I wave frantically at the driver, but he doesn’t see me and drives out of sight when the lights change. I swing around a corner and pick up my phone, texting one handed while keeping an eye on the road. Multi-tasking. 

pulled up next to u at lights asshole  
look around next time ay. how’s yr stupid boyfriend? 

A car that was parked at the curb suddenly pulls out behind me as I put my phone down again. When those red and blue lights start flashing, my heart sinks. Fuckin’ of course.  
-  
Officer Haruka places a steaming cup in front of me with a sigh. She drops heavily into a seat opposite me and I feel a sick guilt in my stomach. I hate doing this.  
“Himika, we can only let you off with so many warnings. You know it’s illegal, right?”  
“I do, I do- it was super important, I swear.”  
Her tired eyes implore me. “Himika, nothing is as important as staying safe on the roads. We have this conversation too much- you know it would destroy Nanako to see something happen to you. All of us. Please, Himika, don’t become another statistic.”  
I swallow hard. “I understand. I… I won’t do it again. I swear. Cross my heart.”  
When I leave the Uchiha-run police station, $250 missing from my pocket, Chihiro is leaning against my car. Her eyebrows are knitted together in anger.  
“Hiya, Auntie.” I grin. “Got my keys? I’m gonna need ‘em.”  
Chihiro doesn’t respond, but pushes off the car and thrusts the keys into my hand with an icy glare.  
“No more warnings, Himika. If there’s a next time, you won’t be getting this car back. Got it?”  
I clutch the keys close, feelings tears well up in my eyes. I brush them away fiercely and nod, unlocking the car and yanking the door open. Right before I slam it shut, I hear her speak again.  
“You’d think you’d know better.”


	2. is this regret i'm feeling or did i just eat something funny?

It’s late by the time I finally get to Hidan’s apartment on the other side of town. I let myself in and slam the door. It feels good, after such a shitty day, to make a loud noise. I open it again and slam it once more before going down the hall where I can hear Hidan spitting curses at the TV. His roomie Kakuzu is watching the stocks, his laptop screen’s light illuminating his creepy eyes. “Yo Kaks.” I call as I pass. He doesn’t acknowledge me.

Hidan’s apartment is small, cramped, and full of shit that Kakuzu ~~steals and pawns off~~ has collected over the years and sells as antiques. We all know it’s a scam and Kakuzu’s shifty as fuck, but it pays the rent and fuels Hidan’s occasional drug habits, so he gets away with it. I pass the kitchen and notice that there’s a mountain of dishes piled up in the tiny sink, but I keep going. It’s not my house. I refuse to do any clean up.

I come to Hidan’s room to find him swearing and screaming at the television, gripping a console in his hands. I stay at the door a while, watching him cuss out the TV and the game and the world every time something goes wrong. He looks around sharply when he hears me laughing, and his furious expression snaps into an excited grin.

“Babe! I didn’t know you were there- come the fuck in!”

“Did you ever think that maybe it’s not the game’s fault you keep losing? You’re just terrible at it?”

“Nah. It’s rigged.” He gives me a lopsided smile, and I throw myself onto the bed, grabbing Hidan and pulling him into a one-armed hug. He tosses the console off to the side and returns the hug with gusto before leaning over and switching the TV off. Then he turns to me again, his face somehow expectant, and raises his eyebrows comically. “So am I gonna go kick this shrink’s ass?”

I laugh, but then I sigh, remembering today’s session. And that I have to go back and see that creep again. “Maybe. It might help to get a foot up the ass.” I shrug.

“Or something else up the ass.”

I smirk. “Yeah, maybe that would do the trick.” I sigh again and flop back onto the bed, closing my eyes and trying to get rid of the mental image of Hidan and Kabuto together- yuck. Hidan kisses my arm and I shake him off, opening my eyes to fix him with a glare. “Not tonight. I’m all freaked out by that snake.” He pouts but nods and jumps up, picking up a jacket from the floor. “Then let’s go out and fuckin’ party! That’ll make you feel better.” I hum in agreement and gesture to the jacket. “Sniff test.” It’s a bad idea to trust anything that’s been on Hidan’s floor. He turns a disgruntled glare on me. “It’s clean!” As he goes about picking up various things off the floor, he throws a leather jacket at me and treats me to a wide, somewhat crazed grin.

“Come on, babe! Shoes on. Let’s go!”

-

We go 20 kilometres over the speed limit all the way to the club in Hidan’s shitty, beat up car. He’s apparently saving up for a BMW, but he always blows it on weed. The club we’re going to doesn’t really have a name, but it does have a terrible reputation. There are two types of people in this town- those who come to this club, and pussies. There’s a rumour it’s run by a local crime gang, but we’ve never cared. Booze is cheap, and it’s dark enough for you to pretend you can’t see who you’re making out with, so it works for us.

Hidan pulls up in front of the club and hollers to the bouncers to ‘treat me like a lady’ as I get out, before roaring off in a cloud of petrol fumes to find a park. They both smile at me and open the doors. I smile back, thank them politely, and head straight to the bar. There’s a discount for anyone the bartenders have slept with. I get my drinks free.

I decide to go classic, and order a beer. The bartender – tall, lanky, ginger, lots of piercings – I remember him. April. He bought me a drink, I bought him a ticket to a movie, and we made a mess for the poor staff. He slides the drink over with a smirk.

“Akamatsu. If you’re ever lonely…”

I take the drink and sip, watching him over the rim.

“I’ll keep it in mind.”

He’s called over by another customer. I watch him go, before a familiar voice catches my attention. I turn on the chair to see a mop of blonde hair with a kid attached to it dragging an older, much handsomer, and rich-looking bloke after him. After a moment, I recognise them both, and I turn back around, hoping they didn’t realise it was me.

_Have I slept with everyone in this town? Jesus Christ. Everywhere I bloody look, there’s two more…_

I down the rest of my beer and leave the glass on the counter, heading away from the bar and into the crowd. The music is too loud to hear the words, but the thumping vibrations of it mixed with the alcohol kicking in means my brain is starting to go on autopilot. I’m floating through the crowd, exchanging glances and gropes. I don’t need therapy. I just need the club, and a warm body. I spot Hidan standing near the door, and I make my way over, dragging him into a kiss. I want to forget that smug, sick bastard that calls himself a doctor. I want to forget the people who are always on my back. I want to forget the people trying to make me live. I want to forget why I don’t want to live.

I drag Hidan towards the dance floor and jump to the thump of the music. My brain is scrambled. Hidan is speaking, but I can’t understand him. I shake my head and mouth ‘drink’ to him. He shoots me a grin and disappears into the crowd. I feel hands on my hips and just go with it. The hands of strangers and the heady buzz of liquor. Anything to drown out my memories.

Hours seem to pass in seconds. Hidan returns and disappears again. I down drink after drink and stumble around the club. I go into corners with anyone who offers. Everything blurs together in a rush of stimulus. I bump into someone and try to apologise through my haze. They take my arm. I notice the face. The eyes. The eyes. I know the eyes. Electric blue. Long lashes. Thick eyeliner. Who…? Oh. Him. I pull my arm away.

“Look who it is, drunk out of her mind, as usual.”

He smirks to his buddy, who I know I know but I don’t know how I know. My brain is going in circles. I stumble away. The friend catches my arm. I find myself in a seat. His voice is smooth and soft and catches me off guard. Where did the runt go? And what is this guy saying? A delicate hand with bracelets and nail polish brings water to me. I can’t work out if it’s a female bartender, or Deidara. I don’t say anything. I drink the water. The friend is practically holding me. He smells. I tell him that. My eyes start to close. I don’t fight it.

\---

Morning comes, and with it, a horrible pounding behind my eyes. My throat feels like there’s sandpaper in it, and there’s unfamiliar arms wrapped around my waist. My heart jumps into my throat and I look around the room, searching for a clue as to where I am. It’s totally unfamiliar. I don’t usually go home with someone else if I’m out with Hidan… The bedroom door opens and a man walks in. Beautiful dark skin and shocking red hair. I’d know him anywhere.

“Sasori.” I croak. I’m immediately embarrassed. It’s hard not to be embarrassed by everything you do in front of someone so beautiful. Sasori is beyond beautiful. Everything about him is otherworldly. But if he’s here, it means that Deidara is too. And if Sasori is at the door, then that means Deidara is the one hanging onto me.

“Himika.” He says it so quietly, but I hear it clear as day. My name is hard, angry, ugly in anyone else’s mouth, but he makes it beautiful. Every word out of his mouth is poetry. I’m falling in love all over again. This is bad.

“Can I-“ I cut myself off, and instead roll out of the bed and stand. My knees crack loudly when I stand and I feel my face heat up. I wish he didn’t do this to me. At least I didn’t throw up on him this time. I walk towards him, and then, hesitantly, past him. He doesn’t stop me. Am I disappointed or relieved? I don’t know. My headache is getting worse.

He follows me to the kitchen. I open cupboards until I find glasses, and get myself some water. I go to stand by the window and look out across the city. He comes and stands close, close enough for me to feel his body heat. I shiver and sip my water, gaze straight ahead. I won’t be intimidated.

“New apartment, huh? Very flash. You and Barbie live together now?”

“Hidan knows you’re here. You have five missed calls from Nanako.”

I gulp the rest of my water and return to the room and find my phone. Deidara is awake now, and glares at me as he fishes my phone out from beneath a pile of blankets and tosses it to me. He looks like an idiot with his sleek ponytail all messy and eyeliner smudged. Even his glare is off. He’s still too fuzzy with hangover. I catch the phone and immediately leave the room. Sasori has disappeared. I ring Nanako back and brace myself for the storm.

The phone rings. It rings. It rings. Maybe she won’t pick up? Maybe I’ll avoid the famous Uchiha lecture? My finger jumps to cancel the call just as she picks up. I can almost sense how pissed off she is through the phone. No sense in trying to placate her.

“What’s up, Nana?”

“What’s up? Akamatsu, I’ll tell you what’s up! We have a partner project due in exactly 30 minutes and your ass is not here! Get over here as fast as you can! You make me do this one alone again and not only will I rat on you, I’ll beat your ass afterwards!”

The line falls silent. I drop the phone into my lap and look up to meet an intense stare. My stomach does a barrel roll. I stand and slip my phone into my pocket. Sasori follows the movement. His eyes are catlike, if I think about it. Locked onto their prey. Completely focused. I smile.

“Well? How fast can you drive, doll?”

\---

I get to my campus less than 2 minutes later. It turns out Sasori can drive very, very fast. I don’t want to stress out Nanako even more, so I take the short way up to our dorm. Before I can even pull out my key, the door opens and Nanako looks around, her eyes narrowing when she sees that it’s me.

“Himika…”

I push the door open with my foot and slink past her. Her anger is almost radiating from her in little fury waves. Damn, she’s scary. This is almost hot, in a way. Then the door slams and that train of thought disappears. No it’s not. This is terrifying.

Nanako whirls around and points to a stack of paper on my desk.

“You. Turn that into a report in 23 minutes. Or else!”

I fall back onto the bed and let my bag (graciously leant by Deidara with more than a few bitchy comments) drop to the floor. The roof is white, and reminds me of that damn hospital. And that damned freaky shrink. If I let Nanako kill me right now, I won’t have to see him tomorrow…

“What about your part of the project?”

“I’ve already done it, obviously. Now get up! Come on! I’m not partnering with you next time, I swear…”

Nanako and I are total opposites. She’s focused. Driven. Smart. You ask her to do something in an hour and she’s done that and more in half and hour. I’ve never understood how she does it. She doesn’t talk much, not even in lectures. She writes down her questions and emails them to whoever might know the answer. It’s efficient, but weird. A lot of people have never heard her speak and I wish I was one of them, sometimes.

Nanako’s family began running the police station after the murder of the original Uchiha police force by some rogue member of their family. Sasuke won’t tell us who, but he has a real weird thing about brothers. In a family like that, everyone is taught how to kick ass, and Nanako loves to remind me. Especially since I probably wouldn’t even win a fight against a two year old. Nanako is my opposite in every way. I used to hate her for it. Now I cling to her so I can bask in the light of her excellence.

“Oi!” She snaps her fingers in my face. “Stop daydreaming, sit your ass at that desk, and write that report.”

I don’t answer and instead, kick off my shoes and snuggle under the covers on my bed. “Hatake w-“ I’m cut off by my own yawn. “Won’t ask for them. We’re fine. I’m too tired for essays.” I whine, and hide my head. I don’t need to look to see the expression Nanako has on. I stay under the covers and she throws something hard at me, and rants for a while before I hear her sigh very pointedly at me and pull out her laptop. I want to tell her not to bother writing it. I want to tell her I’ll do it in the morning and that she should go to sleep. I want to be better than this. But I swallow the words and the guilt and roll over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wheeeeeeeeeeeew boy. i have been so busy with work and school that i have had next to no time to write. i'm sorry all i've managed is this!! ahh idk if it's obvious, but i don't really like this story. i don't like doing oc fics, but i can't write any existing characters in this way. i love them too much. i'm not proud of this, but it's up! enjoy if you can, all of my love, and thank you for giving my fic a read!!!

**Author's Note:**

> heyyy anyone who reads this!! thanks a bunch for giving me a try. i'll update when i can. hope ya enjoyed it.


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